k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
