I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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