He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
