So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
