I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
