Just took my morning after pill in the library
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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