I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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