Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
