can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
