Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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