Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
