your parents love me but you hate me
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
