All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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