i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
