My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
