Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I pour the whiskey from now on
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
