it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
