If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
