Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Houston, we have a blender
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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