new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
