So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
