im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
