This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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