that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
