After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
