WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
