dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
