And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
