the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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