A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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