Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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