yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
