Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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