you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
