those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
