I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
