His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
