I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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