apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
