Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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