i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
