just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
