So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
