i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
