She told me I should be a condom model.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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