I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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