I hate all girls vehemently.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
