he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
