I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
