I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
