I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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